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Three Reliable Ways to Ease a Meltdown and Support Your Child or Yourself with ADHD

 

The transition from carefree days of summer sunshine and relaxation to the structured demands of school or work can be daunting, especially when you live with ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions.

Potential meltdowns become a source of anxiety as you anticipate challenges. Navigating these complexities with empathy, patience, and understanding adds a layer of weight to your already full plate, leaving you grappling with mixed emotions and likely emotional dysregulation. 

 

Here are four reliable ways to ease a meltdown and navigate difficult situations to support your child, yourself, or someone close to you who lives with ADHD or a neurodivergent condition.  

 

These strategies can help you and your loved one regulate emotions, overcome obstacles, and find solutions. This article will draw on the parent-child relationship, but the approaches can be applied to various situations and relationships. 

 

Executive Functioning and Emotional Regulation

Living with ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions presents significant difficulties in self-management for both parents and children. 

Executive functioning challenges can create a rollercoaster of emotions and stressors associated with daily tasks and responsibilities, particularly those that are typically challenging for individuals with ADHD, like preparing for work, arriving at school punctually, or transitioning from enjoyable activities to necessary ones. These constant shifts and demands often lead to considerable distress.

Understanding how executive functions influence emotional regulation presents an opportunity to comprehend the challenges faced by our loved ones.

 

Task Activation involves initiating tasks and understanding their order and timing. Anticipating challenging tasks can strain emotional regulation and hinder performance. Sustaining and Shifting Focus involves knowing what to focus on and when to switch tasks. It's challenging to change thoughts or emotions, adjust attention, or regulate emotions during tasks. 
Regulating Alertness and Processing Speed involves maintaining stimulation during tasks. It can be hard to slow down and regulate oneself, impacting emotional experiences. 
Emotion Management includes low frustration tolerance, intense emotions, and oversensitivity to change. Emotional management is linked to neurotransmitter levels, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and stress. 
Memory Management affects task accomplishment and emotional focus. Working memory impairments can hinder planning and self-regulation. 
Monitoring Action involves knowing when to start or stop actions and inhibiting impulses. Challenges in this area are tied to hyperactivity, impulsivity, and emotional self-management.

 

  When we recognize our own uncertainties regarding our child's difficulties, we create space to move toward deeper understanding and empathy.

 

Empathy, The Foundation of Effective Parenting

According to Dr. John Gottman, empathy is the foundation of emotional intelligence; it’s the foundation of effective parenting.” (Goleman, D and Gottman, J, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child). Empathy will enable you to understand and connect with your child. Empathy also prevents you from attaching the issues of your childhood to your child. Your child needs your empathy to feel loved. 

What Is Empathy?

Empathy is feeling from the other person’s point of view. Empathy is considered by scientists to be controlled by the insula in our brains, which is connected to the heart, skin, and stomach. When we feel a knot in our stomach, our skin has goose bumps, or our heart jumps, the insula is sending us a message. When we feel empathy, we feel it in our bodies. 

 

Empathy involves listening and accepting without feeling required to provide solutions or fixes. When your child, or anyone else, is experiencing anger, fear, or distress, you don’t need to agree with their perspective. At the same time, remaining calm and composed during their emotional turmoil sends a reassuring message that there is potential for improvement or resolution ahead.

 

Numerous intense emotions also stem from unexpressed needs. Children often struggle to articulate their valid needs, leading to behaviors like whining, power struggles, apathy, or defiance. Undoubtedly, these behaviors can be frustrating. While not every desire aligns with genuine needs, addressing our children's deeper needs such as feeling understood, valued, and connected enables them to navigate frustrations more effectively, fostering greater cooperation and happiness.
 

How do we parent and nurture ourselves and our loved ones with empathy to provide a safe space for emotional regulation?

 

Acknowledge with Empathy 

 

Human beings need to feel their emotions before their dysregulated emotions can disperse. Kids might be able to hold it together in school when you’re not there, stuffing those big emotions and lugging them around all day. By the time you’re together at home, your presence feels safe enough for them to empty their strong emotions. 

 

Your child may not be able to tell you why they’re upset, but a meltdown, or acting out, signals to us as parents that our child requires assistance in processing emotions that may be prompting their disruptive behavior.

Even when your child urgently expresses a need that must be met, defies rules, acts aggressively, or loses control, your affection and focus often seem ineffective in altering this behavioral pattern.

Quick Tips:

• Acknowledge with Empathy: You don’t need to fix what your child is upset about. Acknowledge your child’s position: “It’s hard to do all this homework when you’ve been in school all day.” 
“It’s tough to stop playing games and you want to get to the next level, but it’s dinnertime. It’s so frustrating.”

• Allow expression of emotion, even while setting limits: 
Your child’s feelings are valid. Your child needs assistance to express them. You can also set limits.
“You’re upset your sister broke your model, but we don’t wreck her drawing. When you’re ready, I’ll help you tell her how you feel.”
“You’re frustrated you don’t understand this math chapter. That’s been going on all week, and it’s really bothering you. What would you like to do about it?”

 

Stay Calm

 

Many of us were taught in childhood that emotions like anger, fear, frustration, and sadness are unacceptable. When our child has a meltdown, it stirs up our inner child—we feel a sense of danger and panic. Accepting these outbursts in our kids and not internalizing them is challenging for most of us as parents.

 

However, every child must express these feelings and have us listen. When we model healthy emotional regulation, we teach our child how to manage their emotions.

 

Quick Tips:

• Acknowledge your own feelings and talk to yourself if you feel alarmed, scared, panicky, or upset: For example, “I’m noticing these panicky feelings. They’re to keep me safe; Thanks for keeping me safe; I’m an adult now, and I’m Ok.”
• Remind yourself: “This isn’t a life-threatening emergency.” Expressing feelings is OK and I don’t have to fix.
• Alert: This is NOT a time to teach. Teaching will come later when everyone is calm. 
• Breathe.  

 

Recognize What's Beneath the Anger

 

Anger often shields against underlying emotions such as hurt, fear, disappointment, or other forms of pain. When these feelings become overwhelming, we instinctively respond with anger to avoid experiencing the full extent of the pain.

 

In supporting our children with their anger, it's crucial to recognize that underneath their anger lies a sense of fear, disconnection, and internal hurt. Our role is to validate their anger while acknowledging the deeper emotions and needs beneath the surface. By allowing them to explore and process these vulnerable feelings they've been avoiding, the need for anger as a defense mechanism diminishes and gradually dissipates.

Quick Tips:

• Respond to the underlying emotions and possible need for connection: Instead of scolding your child who acts out by dawdling when getting ready for school, respond to the needs underneath.
“You’re having a tough time this morning. It sounds like you've had a lot of fun seeing all your friends back at school, but this schedule change seems like a big adjustment. How about after school today we have some free time together?

• Respond to the underlying emotions and possible needs for connection and support with problem-solving: Instead of showing your frustration with your child constantly forgetting things at school, respond to their needs underneath.“I can see how disappointed and upset you are that you forgot your textbook today and your worksheet yesterday. That’s so frustrating. You wanted to get that homework done. What are some other options? When you’re ready, maybe we can brainstorm some ideas. What do you think?”  
 

Schedule A Meltdown

 

If your child's behavior is disruptive, demanding, or inflexible, simply hoping for a mood change won't prevent a potential outburst of pent-up emotions, often occurring at the worst possible moment. It's acceptable for meltdowns to occur at a convenient time for you. This enables your child to comprehend and regulate their intense emotions safely, with you present to support them. 

 

Quick Tips:

• Establish a compassionate boundary, like "no snacks now, dinner is almost ready." This should create conditions for an outpouring of pent-up emotions.
• Clearly define limits, such as "You're very upset, but no throwing."
• Maintain connection—avoid sending your child to time-out, as it may convey that they're all alone in handling their intense emotions.
• Physical touch, like holding or hugging, is appropriate.
• If you understand what's upsetting your child, acknowledge it. For example, "You're disappointed about the canceled party."
• Minimize verbal interaction except to reassure your child of safety, especially if they're reliving a scary or hurtful experience. "I'm here and you're safe."
• If they demand space, assure them you'll step back momentarily but remain close. Avoid reacting to rudeness or the urge to retaliate—teaching comes later.
• After the meltdown, reaffirm your love and help them process the experience. Expect more meltdowns as they work through any other bottled up emotions and trust your supportive presence.
• Wait until they're calm to address lessons or repairs. Emotional healing is most effective when they're calm and in a stable state.

 

 

To sum up, four reliable ways to ease a meltdown and navigate difficult situations to support your child or someone close to you with ADHD and neurodivergent conditions are: 

Acknowledge with Empathy

Stay Calm

Recognize What's Beneath the Anger  

Schedule a Meltdown

 

Source: Markham, L., Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, 2012. 

 

Warmly,

 

PS. Need support regulating emotions and easing meltdowns? 

Contact me for an ADHD Strategy Assessment and we’ll set up a plan you can start now!

 

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