Parenting Style and ADHD: What are the Fundamentals of an Effective Parent?

Do you struggle to manage your child with ADHD? What parenting styles make a difference for your neurodivergent child? Discover more about your parenting approach and the fundamental aspects of effective parenting, along with strategies and insights to foster greater peace and harmony within your family.

What Influences Our Parenting Style? 

Our parenting methods are influenced by our past experiences, values, necessities, and family backgrounds. Whether we were raised in families that acknowledged or didn't recognize neurodiversity can also affect how we parent our children.

Our parenting can also be affected by biases, judgments, and decision-making mistakes. Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize-winning psychologist known for his work in behavioral economics, explains that humans often use mental shortcuts (heuristics) and are prone to cognitive biases. These biases can cause errors in judgment and decision-making, impacting how we view our children's behavior and shaping our parenting style.

While Kahneman hasn't directly discussed parenting with neurodivergent individuals, it's important to consider how our judgments and biases, particularly regarding our neurodivergent children, can impact the way we parent.

The following is a summary of his insights in the context of parenting neurodivergent children:

1.    Judgment of the Likelihood of the Event: (Kahneman’s “Availability Heuristic”): Parents of neurodivergent children might overestimate the risks or challenges associated with their child's condition based on media portrayals or limited experiences with other neurodivergent individuals. This can lead to unnecessary anxiety and overly cautious decision-making.

2.    Comparison Inaccuracies (Kahneman’s “Representativeness Heuristic”): Parents might make assumptions about their child's abilities, behaviors, or potential based on stereotypes or common misconceptions about neurodiversity. For instance, assuming that all autistic children have exceptional skills in certain areas or that ADHD always manifests as hyperactivity.

3.    Confirmation of Existing Beliefs (Kahneman’s “Confirmation Bias”): Parents may seek out information or advice that aligns with their existing beliefs or expectations about neurodiversity, potentially overlooking alternative perspectives or approaches that could benefit their child.

4.    Over-reliance on Arbitrary or Initial Information (Kahneman’s “Anchoring Bias”): Parents might anchor their expectations for their child's progress or achievements based on societal norms or conventional developmental milestones, rather than considering the unique strengths and challenges of their neurodivergent children. 

5.    Avoidance of Change (Kahneman’s “Loss Aversion”): Parents may be more focused on avoiding perceived failures, setbacks, or making changes related to their child's neurodiversity, such as academic difficulties, inappropriate behavior, or social challenges, rather than embracing and celebrating their child's individuality, growth, and potential gains. 
 

Kahneman's understanding of human thinking and decision-making can be useful for developing more effective parenting approaches. 

Here are four parenting styles and how they affect your child with ADHD and neurodivergent conditions. 

Parenting Styles in the Context of Neurodiversity

Although these categories may not fit every individual, discovering what style suits you best can help you identify parenting areas you may want to strengthen.

The Disregarding Parenting Style 

Using Kahneman’s heuristics, parents of this style may inadvertently make comparison inaccuracies, tend to, over-rely on conventional expectations, and may be more focused on avoiding perceived failure rather than focusing on individuality and growth.  

The repercussions of the disregarding parenting style are that children learn that what they do, and feel, is wrong. Children who live with the disregarding parenting style may develop low self-esteem when parents shrug off events going on with their children. Over time, it may become more and more difficult for these children to regulate their emotions.  

To shift to more supportive parenting:

• Identify how you perceive, interpret, and respond to your child's behavior. For example, rather than shrugging off your child's hyperactivity with the attitude that, "He'll grow out of this hyperactivity ... After all, he's just a kid. He'll need to learn to behave like other kids but this will pass," address any assumptions or preconceptions about neurodivergent children. 

• Adopt a more empathetic, understanding, and supportive approach to parenting. "I notice you need to run around and get out some energy. How about we figure out a way you can do that for a few minutes so you can sit quietly?" 
 

The Condemning Parenting Style

Condemning parents tend to focus on specific negative incidents that reinforce their belief that their child is "difficult" or "problematic." Aligning with Kahneman’s heuristics, condemning parents can make judgments about their child's behavior based on how closely it resembles their idea of "normal" or "acceptable" behavior. They may compare their child to neurotypical peers or unrealistic ideals, leading to unfair comparisons and unrealistic expectations.

Like the Disregarding Parent, the results of the condemning parenting style are that children learn they are inadequate, resulting in children of this parenting style having difficulty regulating their emotions. They also develop low self-esteem.  These children may internalize shame and act out when they are unable to meet unrealistic parental expectations. 

To shift to more supportive parenting:

• Adopt a willingness to challenge preconceived notions about neurodiversity and learn more. For example, rather than labeling your child as "difficult," and responding to your child's behavior with threats to gain control, (for example, "Don't you speak to me like that, or no video games!"), help your child learn to regulate their emotions.

• Discipline yourself to press pause to regulate yourself. You can respond with interested curiosity by saying, "I hear you're angry about that. What happened?" Try not to ask "why" questions, as it puts your child on the defensive. If you're not ready to talk, let your child know that you want to listen but you can't right now, and set up a time that you can. 

• Developing an empathetic, supportive, and inclusive approach can benefit both yourself and your child, fostering understanding, acceptance, and growth.

The Permissive Parenting Style

Aligning with Kahneman’s theories, the permissive parent might overestimate the risks or challenges associated with their child's condition leading to unnecessary anxiety, and overly cautious and protective decision-making. They might attribute any challenges or difficulties solely to their child's neurodivergent condition, without considering the potential benefits of setting boundaries or providing consistent rules. 

The permissive parenting approach is based on the belief that neurodivergent children require more freedom and autonomy to thrive. They may compare their child to neurotypical peers or have unrealistic ideals of independence, which can result in inconsistent discipline, unclear expectations, and difficulties in promoting responsibility and self-regulation.

The permissive parenting approach results in the kids of this parenting style not learning to solve problems or regulate their emotions. Neurodivergent kids who live in a permissive home can have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with others, because most behavior in the home is tolerated. 

To shift to more supportive parenting:

• Examine how you perceive, interpret, and respond to your neurodivergent child's behavior. This requires self-reflection, education about neurodiversity, and a willingness to adapt parenting strategies to effectively meet your child's unique needs.

• For example, perhaps your child is judged at school for their loud voice and hyperactive behavior. You see this behavior at home and you are not surprised. You want to protect your child's energy, free spirit, and self-esteem, and you accept your child's behavior at home. That said, your child does not learn how to monitor and regulate their behavior (such as monitoring their indoor and outdoor voice) in other settings where their behavior may not be endured. 

• Finding a balance between providing support and structure while respecting your child's autonomy can promote healthy development and well-being. Developing some family rules based on your values can be one way to strike this balance. 

The Coach Approach Parenting Style

When parenting according to the coach approach, a child learns to trust their feelings, better regulate their emotions, and solve problems. Self-esteem improves, and so do their relationships outside the home. 

The Coach Approach to Parenting doesn’t come easily. It’s tough work, that starts with parent self-awareness, looking at possible assumptions and learning more information about neurodiversity and working with their child . The main components are self-regulation, fostering connection, and coaching, rather than controlling. (Markham, L, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids). 

To shift to more supportive parenting, please see the Fundamentals of the Coach Approach to Parenting in the next section. 

The Fundamentals of the Coach Approach to Parenting

1.    Emotion Coaching: Emotion coaching, involves recognizing and validating children's emotions. Help your children understand and manage their emotions rather than dismissing or ignoring them.
2.    Connection and Empathy: Building a strong emotional connection with your children fosters trust and facilitates communication, enabling you to support your children through difficult emotions. When you are empathetic, you validate your child's emotions by acknowledging and accepting their feelings as valid and understandable. This doesn't mean agreeing with every behavior or decision but showing empathy for the underlying emotions driving those behaviors.
3.    Positive Discipline: Focuses on teaching and guiding your children rather than punishing them. This involves setting clear expectations, providing logical consequences, and promoting problem-solving skills.
4.    Understanding Developmental Needs: Stresses the importance of understanding your children’s brains, namely their neurodiversity, executive functioning challenges and strengths, and developmental needs, capabilities, and strengths. Effective parenting involves considering your children's differences, meeting your kids where they are, and adjusting expectations accordingly. 
5.    Respect for Autonomy: Emphasizes respecting your children's autonomy and allowing them to express themselves. Encouraging autonomy helps children develop a sense of competence and independence.
6.    Maintaining Boundaries: While emphasizing empathy and connection, maintain boundaries and set limits. Setting appropriate boundaries helps your children feel secure and understand expectations.
(the above list is adapted from the work of psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Laura Markham)

To sum up: parenting styles make a difference for your neurodivergent child. 

• We can be prone to errors in judgment and decision-making which affect how we perceive our children.
• How we perceive our children's behavior can influence our parenting style. 
• Four parenting styles that can help us identify our parenting behaviors are:

    • Disregarding
    • Condemning
    • Permissive
    • Coach Approach

• Although each parenting style may not fit every individual, finding the style you tend toward can help to pinpoint areas you may want to strengthen in your parent-child relationship for more calm, connection, and peace in your family.

PS. Have you identified areas in your parenting style you'd like to modify? 

Contact me for an ADHD Strategy Assessment and we’ll create some realistic action steps you can begin now!

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