Neurodiversity and Connection: How to Inspire More Safety and Joy

Do you feel like your child or someone important to you is hesitant to connect? People on the autism spectrum or with sensory processing challenges may seem uninterested in connecting, while those with ADHD might appear unresponsive to your signals. If someone you care about falls into any of these categories, it's important to recognize that they desire and seek connection. It's equally important to discover impactful ways to foster connection.

How Do You Recognize the Need for Connection? 

The most evident sign that your relationship with your child or loved one needs more connection is when there's resistance. Resistance is a sign that there’s a challenge within the relationship itself. We all tend to have differences in priorities, but our loved ones, especially our children, crave approval and recognition. 
If you often find yourself raising your voice, imposing too many consequences, being too critical, or giving unsolicited advice, it could be a sign that your relationship with your child or loved one requires adjusting for a stronger, more connected relationship. 

Here are four ways to inspire more safety and trust so you can have a more connected relationship when you live with ADHD and related neurodivergent conditions. 

Adjust to Sensory Conditions 

People with neurodivergent conditions may exhibit heightened ("over-responsivity") or reduced sensitivity ("under-responsivity") to sounds, touch, light, and other sensory stimuli, impacting their interactions. Being mindful of these sensitivities and accommodating them can contribute to maintaining fulfilling and connected relationships. 

Quick Tips:

• Recognize and adjust your environment for sensory over-responsivities and under-responsivities.

•     Examples of over-responsivities: people chewing, artificial lights, tags on clothing or certain textures, light human touch, affection, specific smells
•     Examples of under-responsivities: low sensitivity to sounds, low reaction to pain, low sensitivity to vestibular input (doesn’t become dizzy after spinning, falls over nothing), and low sensitivity to temperature.

• Watch for restrictive eating patterns –due to over-responsivity to textures, and smells, or over/under-responsivity to hunger. When we consider that "selective eating" might stem from sensory variances, we can modify the surroundings, reduce opposition, and replenish our relationship bond.
• Be mindful that physical or aggressive behavior could be a connection attempt. Respond playfully, while setting limits. 

Develop and Maintain Consistent Rituals

If you are a parent, it's crucial to regularly re-establish a connection with your child to mend the slow wearing down caused by life's distractions and separations. Parents act as a grounding force for attachment, and it's equally essential to emotionally reconnect when you reconnect physically.

Quick Tips:

• Follow through on playing a game with your child or doing that errand you always talk about with your spouse or partner.
• Go on a walk or drive and engage in conversation.
• Eat a meal together consistently. Research shows that having dinner as a family regularly has positive effects on the development of adolescents. Family dinners have been linked to a lower risk of obesity, substance abuse, and eating disorders, and an increased chance of graduating from high school. 
• Plan and announce time for “Special Time” with you and your child or loved one. Special time can be 10-15 minutes, or whatever time you have. Set a timer, allow your loved one to choose what you do, such as planning a conversation, game, or other activity. Give them 100% of your time. You can also use this time to ask questions, such as: “What’s on your mind,” “What are you excited about,” “What are you worried about,” etc.

Provide A Safe Space

Quick Tips:

• Manage your own emotions first. Ask yourself, “What is the story I’m telling myself?” “Why am I so furious?” (I’m always late, I’m a terrible person, I need more sleep, I need help…). Anger protects our vulnerabilities. Look at your hurt or fear that may lurk underneath the anger. 
• Take care of yourself. If you need more sleep, seek resources to get to bed early. If you need to vent, talk to someone professional. Venting to a loved one during a crisis can escalate the situation until you feel calm. 
• Wait before disciplining. Be patient when executive functioning takes a break: Let’s say your child has a meltdown after holding it together all day long. (See article on Meltdowns – which also applies to adults). Your safe presence allows your child to relax. Rather than yelling, criticizing, bringing up past situations, or giving consequences for “poor behavior,” allow your child or loved one to take five and later express how they are feeling.  Acknowledge their situation, so they feel heard. 
• Commit to stop yelling. Notice yourself getting angry and raising your voice. Pause. Now you’re reclaiming your brain out of fight or flight. Take 5-10 deep breaths. Sip water. Remind yourself “I am OK. This isn’t an emergency.” Now try again. 

Recognize Cues to Connect

Likewise, an individual with ADHD may have challenges with impulse control, such as jumping to another topic, or remembering what they wanted to say to respond. Someone without ADHD can erroneously interpret these behaviors as a lack of interest in connecting. 

Quick Tips:

• Press Pause: When your loved one makes a statement or gesture, pause before reacting. 
• Stop what you are doing, acknowledge that this is an opportunity to connect, and respond. 
• Notice physical cues to connect:  A sigh can be a cue for connection. Other cues for connection include eye contact, physical proximity, a smile, asking for a favor, seeming sad or down, calling your name, seeming frustrated, carrying something heavy, and saying good morning or good night. (The Love Prescription, Gottman, J and Gottman J, 2022). 

To sum up, to inspire more safety and trust so you can have a more connected relationship when you live with ADHD and neurodivergent conditions:

• Adjust to Sensory Conditions
• Develop and Maintain Consistent Rituals
• Provide a Safe Space
• Recognize Cues to Connect

Warmly,

PS. Need support connecting with your loved one? 

Contact me for an ADHD Strategy Assessment and we’ll create a plan you can begin now!

Transforming Parents Lives

Warmly,

PS. Need support regulating emotions and easing meltdowns? 

Contact me for an ADHD Strategy Assessment and we’ll set up a plan you can start now!

Transforming Parents Lives