Hyperfocus and Romance: How to Fulfill Your Life with More Intimacy with ADHD

Hyperfocus can be a double-edged sword for those navigating relationships with ADHD. Individuals with ADHD often find themselves completely absorbed in a task or topic, to the exclusion of all else. This intense concentration can be extremely productive, fueling creativity and innovation. However, when hyperfocus sets in during crucial moments of connection with loved ones, it can strain relationships, leaving partners feeling neglected or misunderstood. Balancing the benefits of hyperfocus with the need for interpersonal connection requires understanding, communication, and creative compromise. 

Does this sound familiar?

“When we first started dating, my now-lifetime partner wined and dined me and treated me like I was all that. I loved all the attention. We always did exciting new things, and being together was a blast. I don’t know if he’s tired of focusing on me or if the novelty has worn off, but I feel I’m not important to him anymore.”

“As a work-from-home mom, I have so many plates I’m spinning all at once. I tend to focus on my work and my child and unintentionally forget even to acknowledge my partner when she gets home.   She knows I’m not doing this on purpose; When I’m focusing on my work, I even forget to eat or use the restroom. Still, we aren’t having fun anymore.”  

“I find anyone who hyperfocuses on what I am interested in easy to relate to. I don’t like small talk and prefer to go deeply into a topic.”

“My new friend is super adventurous and so much fun to be with. One thing that really bothers me, though, is I don’t like to feel smothered. I feel like he’s hyperfocusing on me. That annoys me.” 

Even if you don't have ADHD, hyperfocus can happen to anyone. But for people with ADHD, managing the paradoxes that come with hyperfocus can be more difficult due to the ADHD brain's unique challenges.

Hyperfocus and the ADHD Brain 

Research¹  has shown that, along with other studies ^{2 3}    there is a high correlation between ADHD and hyperfocus. Research ⁴  also demonstrates two types of hyperfocus: hyperfocus and reward-related hyperfocus.

Difficulties with executive functioning, self-management, and control can partially explain challenges with hyperfocus but not those with reward-related activities. 

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for reward-motivated behavior and other body functions such as memory, movement, mood, and attention. Dopamine is also a chemical messenger, communicating messages to your brain. 

You feel happy, motivated, alert, and focused if you have the right amount of dopamine. If you have low dopamine, you may feel tired, unmotivated, and unhappy, have memory loss, mood swings, sleep problems, low sex drive, and concentration problems. 

Here are three ways to flourish with romance and hyperfocus and fulfill your life with intimacy when you live with ADHD and neurodiversity. 

Ask Yourself: "Is This Personal or Neurological?" 

If you make a statement and your partner with ADHD isn’t acknowledging you, chances are something you said or something they saw reminded them about something else, Or they were in the middle of doing something else. It doesn’t feel very good because you want to be acknowledged by your spouse, partner, and friend. 

Quick Tips:

• Ask yourself: Is this me, or is this neurological? 99.9% of the time, this is neurological. 
• For the individual attempting to communicate with your partner who is hyperfocused on their work, attempt a cue for connection. “I notice you’re pretty focused right now. What’s a better time for us to connect?”
• Have a pre-arranged agreement that it’s OK to partner around staying accountable. For example, you and your partner agree to use a timer when either one of you is hyperfocused at specific times, such as before dinner or during agreed-upon family time. “I will turn on the timer and tap you on the shoulder when there are ten minutes to go. Raise your hand if you hear me.” 

Recognize Your Triggers

Recognizing your triggers can help you identify what causes you or your partner to hyperfocus on unwanted activities or inappropriate behaviors, such as excessive internet use or video games, or denying self-care, such as using the restroom or eating. 

Quick Tips:

• For excessive internet usage or video games, structure your environment so that you aren’t tempted to engage in these activities unless it’s a reward. Communicate your standard to a friend or partner.
• Commit to your standard of self-care. Visualize yourself following through. How will it affect your day when you’re eating? Using the restroom? 
• What’s it costing you to hyperfocus on unwanted or inappropriate activities? Hunger? Wasted time? Inefficiency? 
• What are you getting from hyperfocusing? For example, are you the model worker, putting in extra hours? Is intensely focusing on your preferred activity more comfortable than engaging with the kids after a long day?
• When you feel smothered, set a boundary. For example, “Thanks for the fun invite, but during the week,  I need to work during the daytime hours.”

Communicate Your Experience

Quick Tips:

• Even if you’re unable to engage with your partner or need to focus on something else, explain briefly what's going on, that you want to listen, and acknowledge it's important.
• Be specific about when you can re-engage with your partner. Talking “later” needs to be a more specific time. For example, “This is important, and I want to hear this, but I must work on this document. Can we talk tonight after we put the kids to bed at 8 pm?”
• Listen for the deeper need underneath. You’re hyperfocusing late into the evening, leaving your partner with the kids and most of the home responsibilities. Your partner just shared you’re staying up too late, and it’s not fun. Rather than responding negatively to the criticism, you realize that besides leaving a lot to your partner, your partner misses being together. You both add some fun to your relationship. You create date nights and make a game out of chores together. 
• Schedule something fun. Adding more fun gives you something to look forward to and provides a logical stop from hyperfocusing.
• Anticipate the reward. A reward can encourage you to act and stop the hyperfocus with a timer you’ve been ignoring in the past. The reward doesn’t have to be huge, like going to a concert. You can anticipate other engaging activities, such as a fun picnic with the family, eating something delicious for dinner, or eating a backward meal (dessert first?).  

To sum up, to flourish with hyperfocus and fulfill your life with more romance and intimacy when you live with ADHD and neurodiversity,  

• Ask Yourself, "Is this Personal or Neurological?"
• Recognize Your Triggers
• Communicate Your Experience

Warmly,

PS. Need assistance managing hyperfocus for yourself or with someone you love? 

Contact me for an ADHD Strategy Assessment, and we will get started on a game plan right away!

Transforming Parents Lives

Footnotes:

1  Garcia Pimenta, M., Gruhnert, R. K., Fuermaier, A. B. M., & Groen, Y. (2024). The role of executive functions in mediating the relationship between adult ADHD symptoms and hyperfocus in university students. Research in developmental disabilities, 144, 104639.

 2 Ishii, S., Takagi, S., Kobayashi, N., Jitoku, D., Sugihara, G., & Takahashi, H. (2023). Hyperfocus symptoms and internet addiction in individuals with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder traits. Frontiers in psychiatry, 14, 1127777.

3  Groen, Y., Priegnitz, U., Fuermaier, A. B. M., Tucha, L., Tucha, O., Aschenbrenner, S., Weisbrod, M., & Garcia Pimenta, M. (2020). Testing the relation between ADHD and hyperfocus experiences. Research in developmental disabilities, 107, 103789.

4  Garcia et al. (2024). The role of executive functions in mediating the relationship between adult ADHD symptoms and hyperfocus in university students. Research in developmental disabilities, 144, 104639.